Does the child not want to return to school? The mistake most parents make

In the days before the start of the school year, many parents hear different versions of the same sentence: "I don't want to go back to school." Sometimes it is said only in words, and sometimes it is accompanied by stomach aches, crying, or a tantrum. Parents find themselves in a kind of internal tug-of-war: on one hand, the desire to ease and calm the child immediately; on the other hand, the fear that if we are too "soft," the child will really not go to school.

To understand the children's difficulty, one must first understand the context. In recent years, the return to school in Israel is not just another routine transition from vacation to studies. Children and teenagers have grown up in a sequence of a pandemic, war, sirens, evacuation from homes, remote learning, and prolonged absences. Even those who were not directly affected learned that routine can be interrupted at any moment.

More than "testing boundaries"

When a child has difficulty returning to the framework, it is not correct to rush and see it as pampering or an attempt to "test boundaries." Sometimes this is an understandable reaction to a reality that has lost its stability — a reaction behind which hides a simple wish for certainty and the ability to know what tomorrow will bring.

It is important to say: not every fear on the part of the child indicates a problem. The transition to a new class, the renewed meeting with friends, and the academic requirements arouse natural discomfort in many children. They may be more irritable, have difficulty falling asleep, or complain that they do not want to go. When the child manages to arrive, participate, and gradually calm down, it is usually part of a normal adaptation process.

Moreover, fear of a certain situation (a new teacher, meeting friends) and more general anxiety ("Will I succeed in my studies? Will I find friends?") have an important place in children's development. When they appear in an adjusted dosage, they motivate action instead of paralyzing. The important distinction is not between a child who is afraid and a child who is not afraid, but between a fear that can be borne and a fear that begins to manage the child's life. Warning signs are difficulties that do not weaken but worsen and impair functioning: social withdrawal, loss of interest in favorite activities, significant eating and sleeping difficulties, and so on.

What is behind the desire to stay home?

It is also important to listen to the words behind the symptom. When headaches or stomach aches appear again and again precisely in the morning, and disappear the moment the child is allowed to stay home, the refusal to go to school may hide bullying, loneliness, social or academic difficulty, and sometimes even boycotts, social anxiety, or depression. In such situations, we as parents must act quickly and in full cooperation with the educational staff.

One of the common parental traps is the attempt to immediately eliminate every difficulty: the child is afraid — and the parent calls the teacher; the girl is crying — and they allow her to stay home. The intention is to protect, but this protection sometimes teaches the child the opposite lesson: "If the parents are rushing to rescue me, it must be that the situation is really dangerous and I am not capable of dealing with it on my own." Instead of blurring the difficulty, it is important to stay with it, look it in the eyes, and go through it. The difficulty the child meets today is a difficulty they will meet tomorrow: in the army, at university, and in relationships.

Avoidance has a seductive power because it works immediately, the child stays home — and the anxiety drops. However, it is the momentary relief that strengthens the avoidance. The next day it is harder to leave, and after a few days even the school gate may seem threatening. Thus, a point-specific attempt to ease the child's burden turns into a cycle that increasingly narrows their world.

"Enough with the drama"

Statements like "you have nothing to be afraid of," "everyone goes to school," or "enough with the drama" do not strengthen the child. They leave them alone with a fear that instantly becomes a source of shame as well. It is impossible to demand that a child overcome before trying to understand what exactly they are required to overcome.

Therefore, the question is not whether to listen to the child or insist that they arrive at school. Parenting in such situations requires doing both things together: validating the distress without letting it manage reality. One can say: "I see that it is hard for you, and we will find out together what scares you — but we will not leave you alone at home with the fear." Listening does not require giving in, and insisting does not have to be forceful.

In most cases, it is correct to maintain the continuity of school attendance as much as possible, alongside temporary and defined adjustments: a meeting with a familiar figure at the gate, entry at a quiet time, a shortened day, or a gradual return. The goal is not to prevent the child from having any anxiety, but to allow them to meet it in a dosage they can bear and discover for themselves that it passes. It is important that the process be done with the participation of the child and the educational staff.

There is no magic number of absence days after which a natural difficulty becomes a clinical problem. The important questions are two: is the child's distress weakening or intensifying, and to what extent does it impair daily functioning? When absences accumulate, or when withdrawal, social retreat, frustration, and a sharp change in behavior appear: the difficulty must be investigated in depth, and if necessary, professional help should be sought.

The role of parents is not to ensure that their children will never be afraid, but to help them discover that they can be afraid and still function. Sometimes one needs to stop and listen, and sometimes to insist gently. The ability not to be drawn to one of the extremes and to combine both positions is the key and also our challenge as parents.

Good luck, and happy September 1st!

The author is a clinical psychologist, a faculty member in the Department of Psychology at the Tel Aviv-Yafo Academic College, and the founder of DyadIQ.